This is my entry in Nathan Bransford's first page contest. I can see now changes I need to make, but I'll post it here the same as it is there for uniformity. 'Cause, damn, ya just can't get good uniformity these days. Feel free to comment/crit if you are so inclined.
Deanna ripped open the door and jumped into the car, throwing her jacket into the back seat. There she saw a bag from Sargent's. "Shopping! I knew you'd be shopping, leaving me standing here, waiting. That is so typical. So typical," she sneered. It was important that Lisa understand how her inconsiderate behavior was not appropriate. "If you had one ounce of consideration, you'd have come straight back here. You could wait in the car for me much more comfortably than I can wait on the curb for you!" She stressed the word curb as strongly as if she were saying cross or bed of nails or some other agonizingly uncomfortable location.
"Yeah, good thinking. Maybe I'll try that next time," Lisa said. She carried on, ignoring her sister's palpable rage, "If they'd had your size, I would have gotten you one too, but I was only able to get one for me. It's this really neat top, made from hemp, and it has a wrap-around front -- really flattering -- and only $30! Marked down from $36! I can wear it with those drawstring pants I got at The Barrier. Those pants are so cool, but I don't have anything I can wear them with."
Deanna had had enough. Flying into a rage came naturally to her, and she was good at it, but it was time to get back to business. "Oh, shut-up. Mom will be home at 4:30. That's not a lot of time. I got the forms from the county. I want to look them over before she gets home. I want to be sure we have every single thing we need before we even talk to her about it."
"You got them? Was it hard?" Lisa asked. Like their mother, Lisa was thoroughly intimidated by any intimation of paperwork. Or any work.
"Just had to stand in the right line. The lady knew what I wanted and told me what other forms went with it."
"Then you already know what we have to have. Why do you need to look them over?"
"I want to be absolutely certain! You think I'm going to take the word of some clerk at the county?" Deanna sneered triumphantly at so naive a remark. "Plus, some of these forms require other documentation. Like deeds and stuff. I think that's all in the filing cabinet in the basement. But I have to check." Deanna was so much more competent than her sister and mother in all official matters. It improved her mood to hear Lisa be so stupid about it. Faced with the officious clerks at the County, Deanna's customary sense of superiority had ebbed.
Lisa sensed Deanna was cheering up a little. "Tell me again, the whole plan," she said. When these mood improvements came along, Lisa liked to pitch a tent right there.
Deanna took the bait. "We're going to explain to Mom that the back porch is rotting, the wood is all mushy, and the whole
... Pencils Down! That's 500 words.
2 comments:
Hi! This is Kami from Nathan's and now from AW. AW rocks.
I'm surprised no one has commented on your opening yet. Then again, everyone's so incredibly busy. I know I've gotten so caught up in the contest and the fallout afterward that I haven't had time to write. Thank goodness it's starting to slow down.
First off I liked your characters. They're snippy without being really mean. I get a definite chick lit feel from this opening, and I like chick lit.
Having said that, you over explain and it slows the dialogue down too much. I hope you don't mind if I use your first para as an example. I bracketed the sentence I thought had already been described indirectly by tone of voice and the dialogue itself:
Deanna ripped open the door and jumped into the car, throwing her jacket into the back seat. There she saw a bag from Sargent's. "Shopping! I knew you'd be shopping, leaving me standing here, waiting. That is so typical. So typical," she sneered. [It was important that Lisa understand how her inconsiderate behavior was not appropriate.] "If you had one ounce of consideration, you'd have come straight back here. You could wait in the car for me much more comfortably than I can wait on the curb for you!" She stressed the word curb as strongly as if she were saying cross or bed of nails or some other agonizingly uncomfortable location.
By the way, that last line was a lot of fun but it went one phrase too far. I'd leave out 'some other agonizingly uncomfortable location.' The first two examples said it all.
I liked the pitched tent--that's fabulous! However:
[Lisa sensed Deanna was cheering up a little. "Tell me again, the whole plan," she said.] When these mood improvements came along, Lisa liked to pitch a tent right there.
I'm afraid the bracketed sentence means that you're going to go into an 'as we all know, Bob' description of their plan. If they both know the plan, then rehashing it on the page will sound awkward. It would be stronger if they needed a plan and argued that plan into shape in the car.
Good luck in the contest!
Excellent comments, Kami! Thanks so much. Your observations echo the ones JJ DeBenedictis gave me -- she's critting entries on her blog "OxyJen"....you probably already know that. Anyway, your pointers are really helpful and usable. These are the kinda revisions that I can use throughout my writing to tighten it up. Overall, it sounds like I don't need to be so fearful that my reader won't get the image/mood/scene I'm setting.
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