I have to type a little bit each day. It will give me the sense that I actually have accomplished something. The sense I have primarily is that I have wasted most of the moments of my life, which makes me a goddamn criminal because what I do with my time colors the moments of my whole family's life. I'm a mom. It's like that for moms. At least for the version of mom that I am doing. I think, version-wise, my family deserves an upgrade.
And also, I didn't mean "type" a little bit each day. I meant "write" a little bit each day. Like as if I were a writer. Which I once were, but not the kind I've always (always? hmmm, yeah, i guess always) wanted to be. I used to be a writer who wrote what I was supposed to write. I want to be a writer who writes what I want to write, or at least what I think is right to write. I forgot to look at the time. Well, I know it hasn't been 15 minutes yet. I'm a very fast typer. That is not the same as being a fast writer. For instance, I feel that I have not yet written a thing. Two paragraphs of not a thing we have here.
And my fingers are starting to feel that cold sort of achey feeling already. I think my ergonomicness must be not so good.
I dreamt last night about my former best friend who broke up with me about 4 years ago. It is quite startling to say the least, in fact unsettling is a better word, when your oldest friend confesses she's sick up and fed with you. I don't know whether for sure to believe her or not, because up until that moment she'd been professing her undying loyalty. So, somewhere she's lying, no real way of knowing which parts of which parts are true. She don't know neither, I know that. And in fact I could totally see her point; we'd been in frictionland for much of the last part of our friendship. But with all that "friction? no no friction!" it was hard to work things out. And then she just said I suck and we should quit being friends and I said, thank you for being honest. Which was what I'd been badgering her to do, come clean with me, which was part of what was bugging her. That and my naturally judgemental and bossy demeanor.
We've exchanged not a comma since that. It was in email too, how funny. Also funny, is that she is still my sister's best friend. I think, at least one of them. So I do hear about her whacky antics from time to time, and I assume she hears an update or two about me sometimes. And sometimes I think I should just drop her an e-line and say btw, I think it's reasonable for us to not be buds anymore since we only bugged each other all the time and I hope you have a lovely rest of your life. No hard feelings, kinda thing.
But I'm afraid if I do that then we would fall back together. And that doesn't seem at all like a good idea. For one thing, it was very hard for my daughter to understand what had happened, since this friend had been like family. Had been family, really. I don't want to put my kid through another cycle of confusion. I just don't know. I have the feeling that it is always the right thing to do to have some "closure." There's no such thing as "closure." And anyway, what could be more closed than never speaking to each other again. And there's no such thing as closure. Oh, amazing, I said that already. It must be really true.
now i see that i have indeed put in my 15 minutes for today. once you get going, 15 minutes seems pretty quick. but i must on to other things. we're going to need some clean dishes for life to go on around here successfully. why did i tell little daughter that i would pick her up early? what kind of fool am i?
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