Thursday, March 25, 2004

There is a long string of past pains attached to me. I can't quite shake it off. Often it's imperceptible, but other times i feel it pulling on my solar plexus, like a hook right through my spine and back back back for years years years. I'm picturing a cat who's gotten herself tangled up in a long strand of christmas lights and tries to run away from it. Or has been trying to run away from it for so long that she just can't take another step.

Stupid things I've said and done. I can't forgive myself. Is that it? I don't know. It just gives me a certain sick feeling in my chest and throat. It's regret. Regret is stupid and lousy. I hate it. And shame too I think. Stupid things I did that I should have known better than to do, or at least that I certainly know better than now.

Sometimes when it happens, I pretend or imagine that I'm listening to someone else tell of a certain thing they did long ago. Then it's so easy to reassure that person that it's water under the bridge now, that it isn't such a big deal anyway, that they shouldn't feel bad...I would hate for a friend to be condemning herself like I do myself.

It's that I Hate Myself feeling. I hate that I Hate Myself feeling. I keep wanting to type I Hate Myself right here. Instead I'm typing about typing I Hate Myself. At least that's funny. Well, absurd anyway. Absurd beats morose any day.

No comments: