Time for a Whiner

Time for a good old fashioned poor me dear diary entry type of blog post. Cuz I feel old fashioned poor me.

We wanna move. We want our kids to go to a Waldorf School. They go to one now, but we don't want to live near this one anymore. It's expensive here! Yeah, it's expensive where you are too, but this place isn't even a city! You get something when you pay a lot for city living. This is an expensive suburb. Bleck.

But the school we want is, in typical city fashion, overfull. We'd be on a waiting list. We could be first on the waiting list, but still, should we move to a place so our kids can go to school there if our kids can't go to school there?

I'm writing this not so you can read it, who'd want to do that? but so I can see how inane it is. I was sitting down to meditate, and the thought ran down my thought highway 'i can meditate positive thoughts about my kids in that school...' and that thought was immediately chased down and pulled over by the ever-vigilant thought police: 'you'd meditate on that when the earth is fucking melting around you!?!?!? when people are starving and dying violently all over the world?' etc and so on.

Is global warming making me feel too powerless to take action in my own measly little life? Wait, wasn't this the wife's presenting problem in "sex, lies, and videotape"? She kept worrying about garbage. With all this garbage piling up in the world, how can she worry about her life's problems. I think that was where she started. I guess what happened is that once her life's problems got all up in her face, she had to deal with em. It's that urgent vs important dichotomy. I'm going to look dichotomy up a little later.

What's also noteworthy about the nature of this blog, is it's a minor breakthrough for me. I long had the habit of writing about things when I was troubled. I have journals and notebooks filled with my adolescent and young adult life struggles and bad moods. When I felt bad or conflicted -- I had to write!! Then along came ... what did it? adulthood? job satisfaction? writerly conflict? I started working as a tech writer, getting paid (a lot) to write, and I stopped writing for myself in any capacity. That's lasted for about 20 years. I've been trying to restart writing for myself for about 4 years now. Is today the first time I've had that AAGH! I don't know what to feel or do feeling and had to write about it?

It's not good writing, it's not worth reading. But it's an important valve to have reopened, nonetheless.