Noticing

Today I notice that I know when I'm getting depressed -- like knowing when you're coming down with a cold or knowing you're too hungry.

I can feel the difference between a reasonable observation about conditions in my life now and an irrational sense of relentless doom and failure. I still feel the looming of the doom, but I can tell that it's not really about what's going on in my life now, it's about what's going on in my body. Or maybe some ineffcient response to other events in my life long ago. Whatever. It's not really about now.

So, I still walk around feeling doomful and gloomful. But in a healthier more harmonious way. I don't feel a desparate need to make a change -- like run away to spare my children from my bad parenting, or take to my bed because I'm going to fail anyway, or sear my husband because I know it's just a matter of time before he throws me over. I'm able to just put one foot in front of the other, plod on, slog through it, maybe even hold my tongue. Because I know this happens, I have these feelings, they last for a few days and then THINGS ARE OKAY AGAIN! That last bit is important.